Heavy Thoughts

Heavy Thoughts

Have you ever noticed that when you are starting to do something or, even when you're contemplating doing something, roadblocks seem to magically appear in front of you? The path that seemed smooth and self-evident when you first started contemplating it suddenly has developed bumps and trenches. The small details suddenly growing large teeth and claws.

For example:

I am overweight. Plump. Husky. Plus-sized. Big-boned. Suffer from “Dunlap's Disease, where my belly done laps over my belt. Fat, to use the vernacular. My wife prefers to use the word “heavy”, but I think that's too gentle. Am I way, way overweight? I don't think so. There are lots of folks around me that are bigger. Heavier. Fatter. But yes, I could benefit from losing 50 pounds or thereabouts. As could, sadly, a large percentage of my brother and sister Americans.

It goes on easy. The weight, you know. The extra piece of pie after supper last night. The fast-food meal you ate because you were tired of your own cooking. The candy bar you bought from the machine at work because... who knows why? The chocolate candy jones you seem to have developed.

You know what I'm talking about.

So the fact that I should lose some weight is beginning to set heavily on my mind from time to time and I end up telling myself that I should do something about it. And the fact that my wife is on a Weight Watchers program, has been for over a year now and is actually losing weight, only acts as more of a goad to me. A constant reminder of what I should do.

As an aside, congratulations to my steadfast wife for her earnestness in attempting to be “less than what she was”. Having your accomplishments set before me daily surely must eventually seep into my hulking male consciousness as a “good thing”, a goal to be attained.

So I think about what I must do to lose weight. Sadly, thinking about it and doing it are very different. Thinking is easy. Doing is hard. The cold facts are these: You must either take in less or exercise more. Think about it. That's all there is. All boiled down in one sentence. Intake less or exercise more.

I just saved you a fortune on diet books. You may thank me when you can.

Now, on to the roadblocks that litter this road to weight-loss bliss.

My life is filled with enticements and temptations almost everywhere. (Let's focus on the dietary ones for the moment, OK?) They whisper to me daily, calling my name with scents of chocolate, the aroma of frying meat and onions and the succulent perfumes of a thousand savory scents. They kiss my olfactory nerves with smells of freshly baked bread, pies and cakes, fruit jams and jellies, cinnamon pastries at the malls and a million kinds of freshly-baked cookies. They entice me constantly with the proximity of their availability and the reasonableness of their costs. And they spear into my eyes and hammer into my ears from every venue of advertising, from the TV and radio to the omnipresence of the Golden Arches on, what seems like, every street corner.

Have you ever thought about how many holidays and occasions in our lives which have food as their lynchpin? Think about it. Most of them do. Go through the calendar.

New Years. Dinners and buffets, drinking and parties, snack tables and appetizers.

Valentine's Day. Candy. Lots and lots of candy. Dinners out with your spouse.

St. Patrick's Day. Drink-em-ups and beer. Corned beef and cabbage.

Girl Scout Cookie Time. Cookies. ALL KINDS of cookies!

Easter. Candy and chocolate. Family dinners.

Memorial Day. Barbecues and family get togethers.

The fair. All that yummy FAIR FOOD.

Independence Day. Picnics and more barbecues. Drinking.

Labor Day. More picnics and cookouts.

Halloween. Candy. Parties.

Thanksgiving. The granddaddy of food holidays. Groaning dinner tables and belts being unbuckled to allow more gorging.

Christmas. Holiday feasts.

Then think about all the other chances throughout the year to eat something “extra” such as birthdays, anniversaries, reunions, visits from relatives and friends, vacations, “Date” nights, movies, candy bowls on desks at work, buffets, ice cream or strawberry socials, fairs and carnivals,

And lets not forget the “Food Network” on our televisions where they talk about and show food 24 hours a day. Their chefs are now celebrities and their names are known to millions. Rachael Ray. Ina Garten. Paula Deen. Bobbie Flay. Giada. Cat. Emeril. Mario. Tyler. And they're all about FOOD.

Then there's the “deals” you see and hear about that seem to be everywhere. I have a fistful of 2-for-1 coupons from McDonald's sitting on my coffee table at home right this minute. (Coffee table – another food reference!) I don't even particularly care for McDonald's, but... Two for one! What a deal! How can I say no?

And have you noticed how MANY commercials on TV are for food? They're unescapeable.

But trying to eat less is VERY different than trying to quit smoking or quit taking drugs. To do those things you have to QUIT doing them. Quitting meaning stopping. NEVER doing them again. But with food, you CAN'T quit. You just have to eat less. It's MUCH, MUCH harder than quitting. As an ex-smoker I speak from experience on the difficulties of quitting any kind of drug. But just easing off? Tough!

Lord, give me strength.

On the other side of the coin, exercising more isn't just a piece of cake either. (Notice the food idiom. You just can't escape them. )

My situation is even more aggravating than having a successful Weight Watcher for a wife. Her brother, my brother-in-law, used to be a body-builder and now owns a couple of gyms. He IS Mr. Exercise! You look in your dictionary under healthy muscular super good-looking dude and there's his picture! Yikes! I even stopped by his gym last weekend and asked for some tips on how to strengthen my back, which has been giving me some grief recently. I even kissed his ring hoping that some of his physical charisma might be magically bestowed upon me. I figured: strengthen my back = exercise more = lose weight. Simple, eh? So I followed through on some of his exercises today when I was at the gym. Felt OK when I left there. But now at ten o'clock? My back is presently barking at me like a rabid pit bull. Sure, I guess it's just muscles that haven't been used with any real regularity sounding off. But they REALLY hurt now. When I get out of my chair I walk like a 90-year-old man. And feel like it!

None of this is easy, my friends. None of it. Of course, nobody said life was easy.

But it is proving to be interesting.

Oh, I forgot. We're going on a cruise in a couple months. Food opportunities 24/7. You don't even have to get out of bed. Just call room service and food will appear at your cabin door. Wonderful, wonderful cruise food.

Lord, lord, lord will the blessings never end?